“What do you need from me?”
That is an impossible question for someone like me. My default is to say “I don’t need anything.. I don’t want to be needy or a bother.” While my reason for not answering the question is valid, to me, it’s not a good answer to the question. I know what I need. I just don’t often trust people to listen, respond, and provide.
the actual answer
I need you to notice. I need you to acknowledge. I need you to listen. I need you to make it seem like what i’m doing matters.
isn’t that just being needy?
Yea. it is. I spend my life doing things for other people. Professionally, I exist as a supportive cog in a machine. Personally, I have very few descriptors for myself that aren’t in the service of other people. I’m a dad. I’m a husband. I used to be a coach. I am a, often bad, friend. I’m a chauffeur. I try to make sure dinner is on the table.
I try to listen to other people. I try to support them in what they’re doing. I try to check in. “How are you doing?” “How’s that nagging work problem or project going?” “Did you sleep well?”. I also hope that I spend time trying to make people feel noticed or seen. “Thank you for that thing you did.” “I appreciate what you’re doing.” “You’re doing great.” “Thank you for being you.”
It’s not much. Honestly.. i never feel like it’s enough. I have been built to assume i’m never enough or not doing enough or not being enough.
let’s get vulnerable
I feel invisible. I feel disposable. I feel unneeded.
I am an emotional sponge though. I am buoyed by small moments of connection. I need connection. I need people. I just don’t often like people or trust people. I get burned. I pull away. I seem distant, cold, and stoic. Is it healthy? No way. Is it a protective shell that I maintain? Oh yeah.
I don’t know anyone who is good with the following: Directly answering the question i started with and asking for feedback or acknowledgement or notice. I am often reminded of speakers on stage asking the audience to clap or acknowledge something said on stage.
I’m just me. I’m just some random human. But.. smarter folks than me (Brene Brown) warn that avoiding answering the first question because we are trying to avoid seeming needy will leave us feeling isolated and alone. (check) She also suggests that being vague or indirect is an awful way to be vulnerable. (…check)
Brene Brown particularly says: “Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection…”
Not to lean too much into Brene Brown but.. she also says “..you are worthy of love…”… and really? are we all? Maybe she doesn’t have it all sorted out.
where is this all going?
Who knows.. I’ve typed an awful lot over the past two days.. I really don’t like asking for help. I don’t like answering the question of “what do you need?” I don’t like feeling vulnerable. It doesn’t work out for me.
but.. i need to try. I need to let go. I need to be ok with saying “i need help” or “i need this from you”.. but.. that’s a long term goal.
This set of thoughts is a work in progress.. i wish i had a closing for this blog that isn’t just wishy-washy. I wish i could say “and i fixed it all and i feel better.” That.. is not the case.
life is messy. my brain is messy. i’m tired. I want to stop typing. i want to stop talking. i want to stop for a while. Curling up at night to watch some tv with marie is a pretty great part of my day… it’s a small oasis in a world of too much.